Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
not ubering you a puppy
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
