Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
