It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize