I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
