I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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