I want to make a zoo with you.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
