we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
