well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
