I just threw up on my dentist
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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