Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
