Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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