The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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