if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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