peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
