Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
