The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
