I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
