You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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