Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
