I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
