I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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