The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
