i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
