Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
