can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize