I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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