i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
