if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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