I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That's how pantless uber rides happen
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
