there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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