Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He felt like a one man threesome
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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