I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
