This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
