Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
