Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
