life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
