How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
