he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
A bitchslap is in order.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
