explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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