There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
