I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Randomize
