Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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