Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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