just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
