Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Non-Jews are for practice
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my poor anus
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
