Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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