All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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