you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
