You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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