Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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