I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
time to smoke my breakfast
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
