After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
