it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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