Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
