You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize