Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
