dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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