I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize