Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
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