I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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