He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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