We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
