I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
