I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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