This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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